My Thoughts
by Airforce1990
Summary: Grant Wards journal
1. Journal Entry One

Journal Entry One

My name is Grant Ward and I am an agent with SHIELD. A few weeks ago, I got placed on a new team. What my new teammates don't know is that I am lying to them. They believe that I am a regular level 7 agent, however that's not true. I know soon enough that I will have to reveal the real me, I'm just afraid of how they will react. At first it will seem that I would betray them, that I would be working for the other side, I just hope when the time comes that they will listen to what I have to say and believe me. Because this is who I truly am. I am an undercover agent with SHIELD, I am undercover in an organization called HYDRA. When the time comes, I would have to go back in deep cover and it would seem as if I am betraying my teammates. But I am not. I have had to lie and deceive people that I care about, but I am not lying about how much I do care about them, I just hope they realize that. That not everything was a lie and that they can forgive me one day. It's difficult to be a deep undercover agent and be on team, that was why for the last two or three years that I have been on my own, so that I wouldn't have to lie as much to the people around me and usually the people that were around me knew the truth.

I am sure you are wondering how I became a deep undercover agent in HYDRA, so here how it had happened. A few years ago, I was on an assignment with another agent, no, I won't tell you his name. So, we were on this assignment and I was assigned to be overwatch, I was going to the spot where I felt was the best spot, however, the agent that was with me told me to go to another spot and as he was a senior agent I had to listen to him. So, I went to the spot he sent me to, and I got setup to be overwatch, the agent went into the building where he was meeting with his informant. Soon after, what I thought was rebels came upon my position and were able to overpower me. I was taken and held captive. At the time I was taken, I did not know that the mercenaries were hired by HYDRA, however, after a few days being held captive I had found out who exactly had taken me captive. This person tried to "convince" me to join HYDRA, however, I am a true SHIELD agent, so I refused. After about two weeks of this "convincing" I was still refusing to join, the mercenaries then kidnapped two children. These people had decided to hurt these children to convince me to join, and for a while I still refused. But about two weeks after the children were kidnapped, the kidnappers were about to do something despicable and I couldn't allow that to happen, so I gave in. I told my capturers that I would join HYDRA. The mercenaries took the children out and left me chained to the wall. A few days later, SHIELD agents rescued me from the building. The agents took me to a medical center, I had several broken bones, bruises and contusions all over my body, and apparently was in a coma for a few weeks. When I woke up, in the briefing I had informed a trusted senior agent about what had happened. It was agreed that I would go undercover and pretend that I am with HYDRA but reporting back to my superiors the details of what HYDRA wants me to do. I have been under ever since.

When I got on my new team, I knew my superior for SHIELD wanted me to keep an eye on Agent Coulson, who had apparently died before the battle of New York, I wasn't at the battle as it was during the time of my captivity, but I had heard the gossip through the grapevine. Anyways, apparently SHIELD wasn't the only one who had wanted me to keep an eye on Coulson, HYDRA had also wanted me to be put on the team to spy on Coulson, and to get information of how he had survived. I am very good at my job, one of the best with espionage besides the Black Widow, so I have been able to control the flow of information to my HYDRA handlers and haven't been questioned about the type of information that I have been sending. However, I have a feeling that everything will blow up very soon, that something will happen that will expose my undercover status and I won't be able to tell my team the truth until after everything is over and done with. I just hope, like I have said, that they will believe me and forgive me for deceiving them.

I was told that writing down my feelings will help, I do have trouble expressing my feelings, that is why I am so good at undercover work, but being on a team, that is a setback. Perhaps of one of my teammates find this journal and read it, that it will help with them believing me. I had a bad childhood, my parents were at best verbally abusive and at worst were neglectful, my older brother was physically and mentally abusive towards not just towards me to also to my younger brother and sister. When I was fourteen, I was sent to a military school, which was amazing. However, when I was fifteen, my younger brother told me something had happened to my younger sister and that I needed to get home. So, I stole a car from the school and drove home, when I got home I found out what had happened. My other brother really is a piece of work, so I told my younger siblings to pack up and that we were leaving. I decided to set my childhood home on fire, what I did not know was that my older brother was in the house, we thought he was at a friend's house. I was caught, and my parents sent me to juvey, the school had dropped the charges of grand theft, but my parents wanted me to be charged as an adult. While I was in juvey, I was visited by what I thought was a SHIELD, and most of his information was correct, however, he was a traitor and was with HYDRA, but I didn't know that at the time. He sent me out to the woods and left me alone for a couple of months. I was later found by other SHIELD agents that were not traitors and they told me the truth. I went to live with one of the agents, and when I turned seventeen I entered the SHIELD academy. I have been a loyal SHIELD agent since then, and I am happy to say that my brother and sister is with SHIELD as well, but they are doctors and not actual SHIELD agents. I guess you could say that with our childhoods, we came out great. But because of that childhood, I tend to wear a mask, even to my family and friends, I don't express my emotions as openly as they would like, but when I was younger I had to learn not to show emotion or would I be hurt more, so I learned. It doesn't mean that I don't have emotions, I do, I guess at times it hits me harder than it would to other people because I keep the emotions in, so when I express them, it tends to be an explosion of emotions that can have a big impact on myself. I hope that writing down everything and able to express my feelings will help. According to my brother, because of what our parents and brother did to me when I was younger, it had stunted my emotional growth and so I have trouble expressing my feelings and emotions in a positive manner. He is a psychologist, all I know is that he told me writing could help me, so I am following his advice.

I'm not sure how long this entry should be, and at first, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to write, so I just started writing. Just don't tell me brother this, but he was right, this has helped and perhaps when I do have to face my teammates, I won't feel as much trepidation as it could have been if I didn't express my feelings in this manner. I guess I should stop for now.


	2. Journal Entry Two

Journal Entry Two

So, this is the second entry, thought I would put my thoughts down again after the last few weeks. So, a couple days ago, I had met an Asgardian. A thousand-year-old man who was apparently a professor because he didn't like to fight. He had a staff, that when holding it gives you strength like no other, but it makes you feel all different emotions, mostly the negative emotions like anger and hate. Well, I had accidently touched one part of this staff without knowing what it does, and I didn't like the feeling. It made me remember the first time I felt hate, it made me relieve all the hate and anger that I've locked up inside of me. The staff made me feel like I wasn't in control of myself, made me say stuff, hurtful things to my teammates that I did not mean. I knew how I was acting and I didn't like it. I didn't like that I wasn't able to control my emotions like I have been trained to do, I felt anger that I haven't felt in a while and while the others understood, while Agent Coulson understood that I wasn't myself, I felt like I was letting the team down, that I was letting myself down.

The memory that the staff made me remember was when I was young, a child, and my older brother was making me hurt my younger brother. I was always the protector, so for me to be hurting my younger brother and I couldn't do anything to stop it, made me feel hate. Feel hate towards myself and hate to my older brother. We were at a well near our house, and my younger brother fell into the well, I went over and was going to throw a rope down to him, however, our older brother was there as well, and he wasn't letting me throw a rope down to him. I watched as my brother, my baby brother struggles to keep his head above the water while yelling to me for help. At that time, I was too weak to stand up to my brother, I could always take the hits and everything, but I couldn't stand up to him. But once he left, I immediately grabbed the rope and threw it down and helped my brother pull himself up and out of the well. Later that night, my younger brother came to me and climbed in my bed and laid his head on my shoulder and told me that there wasn't anything to forgive. He said this to me because he knew I was feeling guilty about what had happened that afternoon. He told me that it wasn't my fault, that I was still his protector, that he still felt safe with me and he knew that I would help him no matter the cost to me. After that day I told myself that I would become stronger, that one day I will stand up to my brother. I started getting in shape after that day, learned martial arts and started doing better in school. I learned to how to be a better person, that I would live up to my brothers' words.

Now here we are, I was able to get in shape, I learned how to fight, I became a better person, and yet, after I touched the staff, I feel such anger that I haven't felt in a long time. We had to stop the people who are wanting to take advantage of the staff, and yet I didn't know if I was able to do so because I didn't know if I was able to control my anger, or the hate, I didn't want to lose control of myself and possibly hurt one of my teammates. But I knew that the team will need me, need me to fight, need me to win. So, I went and fought, nearly losing myself to the anger and to the hate. But I had my teammates, my friends there to help me get through my anger and we were able to defeat the cult. But I think I lost something of myself, and I'm not sure if I am able to put a lock on that box now. I wonder if I should have gone to Agent May's room instead of staying here and writing this. Though my brother would tell be that it is a good thing that I didn't act on my desire to forget my emotions and to work through them.

I feel better, though I know it will take time and maybe this is a good thing. Perhaps I can open up more to my team and let them in on what I am feeling more. Maybe my nickname, Robot, will go away if I open up more to my teammates. Perhaps I should call my brother, I haven't talked to him in a while. Well, I'm going to get going.


	3. Journal Entry Three

Journal Entry Three

You can't really forget how fragile life is doing this job, but sometimes I forget how my own life is fragile just as well. How a mission could go wrong on so many levels and makes you realize that you yourself is not invincible. This past week, I have learned that lesion again. Over the course of one hour, Coulson had managed to get taken and I had gotten shot. But we found Coulson and Jemma patched me up. But the nightmare wasn't over. We had learned that Coulson was tortured, and I remember back to my own captivity. There is so many times when I've wanted to go to his office and tell him that he is not alone. That eventually the pain of what happened will slowly trickle away and that the nightmares will lessen gradually in quantity. But I can't, at least not yet, as my captivity was classified at the highest level and is barely mentioned in my file, so if I say something about it, Coulson might want details that I can't disclose yet. But he should know that we would be there for him if he lets us. Of course, it's kind of hypocritical of me to say this as after I was captured and was tortured for a month, I had pushed everyone further away, including my family, leaving me a little bit more alone than before. Perhaps, it could be just that reason, that I've been through that pain already, that I know what I am talking about; or perhaps, it was all of the advice that my little brother had given to me after my own captivity.

Speaking of little brothers, I had an impromptu counseling session with mine after he had heard about what had happened. Of course, my sister, the medical doctor, had also happened to be there was a coincidence, especially considering that I had gotten shot and was still doing my job, I think my ears are still ringing from the lecture. But in all seriousness, it was good to see and to speak with them. Though I didn't mention the journal, they could tell something was different. They kept mentioning how I wasn't as rigid or tense as much, I just smiled and kept talking. I had forgotten the last time when we had laughed so hard together, it's certainly been a while, and thinking about the last time that I had been carefree was a few weeks before my captivity. It was also the last time when I decided that I had needed a vacation and had invited my siblings to go skiing with me. That was a great week, having fun during the day, and at night sitting by the fire, talking and laughing. Perhaps after this assignment, we should do something like that again, I'm pretty sure that my sister will definitely agree to another vacation, just the three of us.

Even with the lecture my sister gave me about still working while having a hole in my shoulder, she understood my reasons. She understood why I couldn't just not stop not looking for Coulson. I myself knew the reasons even if the others on the team don't. Agent Hand also knew the reason, how could she not, she's known me since I was a teenager, but that's not important now. The reason why I couldn't stop looking for Coulson even after getting shot was because I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I had failed, I had failed to keep my team safe, that because of my failure, Coulson was captured, and I felt that if I had stopped looking that I was just a bigger failure. My sister knowing that when we found Coulson again that I would stop thinking like I failed, and that's partially true. Now, I just feel more guilt with knowing what had happened to Coulson. Logically, I know that the blame lies with the people who took him, but I'm not thinking logically at the moment. Though, eventually the guilt will lessen in time, with all of the other secrets that I'm keeping from my team, that it will be harder to leave the guilt behind. But I do know that once my team knows the full truth, that I won't have as many burdens on my shoulders and I can start tackling all of my demons.

But it has certainly been a long few weeks, with everything that has happened, I'm nervous about what's to come. If these last few weeks gives any indication, then I hope we have some luck on our side. I'm just hoping that everything works out for the best, but I just have an ominous feeling that things will get worse before it gets better. I should get going, we have a new mission coming up.


	4. Journal Entry Four

Journal Entry Four

Whose fault was it? Who is too blame for Skye getting shot? I told May that I'm not blaming myself, but that's not true, I am blaming myself for what had happened. I should have been with Skye, I'm her training officer, she shouldn't have gone to that place by herself, she shouldn't have been alone. She was too reckless with her own life, with the lives of others, she didn't think before rushing off into the unknown, she didn't know what the situation was when she was going into the house and she went in by herself, without backup. She became careless with the mission. Though, I am in no ways blaming Skye for what had happened, she was the one that got shot. No, I was her teacher, I should have taught her more, taught her better.

I also blame Coulson. I blame him for putting her in that position. I blame him for bringing her onto this team where she could get hurt, where she could die. I blame him for allowing us to become a family, where it would hurt to see one of us hurt like how Skye have been hurt. This mission should have gone a million different other ways, we shouldn't have had this mission, but because this team got personal, this mission got compromised and now Skye is fighting for her life. I know this is irrational, blaming myself is irrational and the one to blame is sitting here on the BUS, all high and mighty, not caring about anyone else but himself.

But when that doctor came out, I almost collapsed. I was in disbelief of what she had informed us about the injuries that was suffered. That there was too much damaged and that Skye was on life support. That essentially Skye is dying and there was nothing we could do to save her. I'm someone who saves people, the guy who goes in too make sure no one else gets hurt. I should have been there, I should have been the one who was shot, or perhaps if I was the one that was there, Quinn wouldn't have shot anybody. But when we realized that May wasn't in the hospital anymore, I knew exactly where she was. I would have enjoyed watching her longer beating Quinn to a pulp, but we have better things to do now, like making sure that Skye doesn't die, that she has a chance to live. But watching her in the pod, with machines filtering her blood, breathing for her, it is painful to believe that we would get through this crisis in one piece, with everyone coming out of it alive.

But as we fly towards the one place that Coulson thinks will save Skye, I still have hope and faith, which are foreign to me, but this is Skye we are talking about, she is the most stubborn and determined person that I know and if anyone can pull off a miracle, it's her. But if she doesn't survive, that she doesn't come back to us, I don't know how we as a team will stay together and I'm afraid that this will break us away from each other. Because Coulson was right, we are a family. Of course, if this does break us apart, then perhaps, my betrayal won't hurt as much as we won't be with each other for when the truth come to light. Anyways, I need to stop for now, we are about to get boarded by agents because we haven't delivered Quinn to the Fridge yet.


	5. Journal Entry Five

Journal Entry Five

As I saw him walking down the stairs, I knew that he was here. I had to pretend to be happy to see him, happy to know him, all the while the while the memories of what he did, of what he had made happened, makes me sick. My nightmares have come true, knowing that I had to work with him again. But I had a mission to focus on, something that was more important than my demons. So, I had my focus on saving Skye and I would just deal with my demons afterwards and alone. And now that it is later, now that we gave that unknown drug to Skye, now that Skye is getting better, I am left alone with my nightmares and demons, past and present. I'm left alone, trying to focus on the present, where the only pain left is emotional. And yet, the weeks of torture, the hours of despair, the minutes of hurt, those moments of weakness are still prevalent, even to this day. Especially when the person that made you vulnerable was standing right next to you acting like he is your friend. The person that is joking with you, the person that you have to trust with your life, your team's lives, is the same person who has betrayed everything that you have believed in. That a traitor is standing in the center of your home, the place that makes you feel safe, now you can't breathe, or think, or feel because he makes you remember that time when you were at your lowest point, at the point where you didn't care anymore, the point when it didn't matter anymore, the point where you had promise yourself that you would never be at again. And yet, with him coming back into my life even though I knew he would be coming back into it, he makes me feel all those emotions again.

But with him back, I know that it is coming to an end. That something big is coming up that will make us change the way we see the world and change the way we see each other. And, I know why Commander Hill had Agent Hand come and help find Coulson just a few weeks ago, I know that soon enough, my mission, the one that had started that day when Agent Garret had me captured is about to truly begin, even if I hadn't known about it at the time. I know that I will have to lie, that I have to deceive my friends, my family, just to keep them safe. Make them believe that I want to hurt them, that I want to kill them. I know that soon enough they will start thinking of me as a villain, being the bad guy and not the person that they have come to know. But what they won't realize is that they already know the real me, that what I have been showing them, that the emotions that I reveal at times, the way that I care about them, they are real, and they will never go away, no matter how bad they think of me, not when they believe that I have betrayed them, that I am a traitor, not when they hate me so much that they want to hurt me, I will still care for them and protect them to the best of my ability. And if in the end, I lose them, I lose my family, then it would be worth it because I would have protected them, more then they would know. And if they never come to find this journal, then perhaps, one day they will know the truth and will forgive me. Until then, all I have to do is keep doing my job just like I have been trained to do since graduating from the Academy.

As I am sitting in a secluded area of the plane, writing this, I can't think of the future, I can't imagine the reactions of my teammates when they figured out what's going on, because if I do, I will never be able to go that deep undercover without being compromised. So, in this moment I am trying to forget about everything. Forget everything that is associated with the demons of my past and my future and remember that I am in the present. Remember that I'm not a victim anymore, that I am a survivor. That he is not here anymore and that we can go on like we have before, with no the wiser about what had happened to me in the past, or what will happen in the future. So, while I am here in this moment, wanting to remember each time that I smiled or laughed, the moments of relief and joy, the moments with this team, my family playing poker and eating pretzels at the table or watching _The Notebook_ and pretending to cry on the couch, wanting to remember those moments of blissfulness and happiness, knowing that in perhaps a few days or a few weeks, all of those moments will be shattered. Those moments will be scrutinized, analyzed by the others to see if there were any signs of deception, if there were any cracks in the lies, if there were any fractures in my emotions. But I know that they won't find anything because everything was real. What they were shown was the truth. The way I care about them, the sadness I felt at times, especially those times when we almost lost both Coulson and Skye, those feelings of helplessness that I felt, and the anger at the people who had hurt them, was true.

I'm just hoping that they will forgive me someday, and realize that every action I took, every decision I made, I made because I wanted to protect them from the evil in the world. That maybe writing this, putting down my feelings and thoughts, laying out my fears, is not a waste of time. That maybe this is helping me become more approachable, that maybe, my team won't automatically believe that I would be capable of doing the things that I might pretend that I have to do, that the things that I have to do would actually make me feel sick. That they will have faith in me because I am not an emotionless person who don't care about anyone that most people will see when they first look at me, that maybe, opening up a bit will let them see past the surface and look at the truth beneath everything. I'm hoping that this journal writing wasn't a waste of time. Though I should get going, I don't want the others to worry about me and being down here secluded this long might make the others worry. I guess I will end this entry now.


	6. Journal Entry Six

Journal Entry Six

I lay awake after waking from another nightmare. It has only been a week, but it has felt longer, and now I understand what my sister had gone through. But first, let me tell you what had happened. A week ago, an Asgardian Sorceress came to Earth after escaping prison, Lady Sif of Asgard followed her to stop and capture the sorceress. The sorceress name is Lorilei and she has the ability to ensnare men, to control them, to do her bidding. Lady Sif came to our team for help, and whilst giving her aid, Lorilei managed to ensnare me, though usually through the sound of her voice, however, what I didn't know, was that she could also control men through her touch. I had managed to hold her off when she used her voice, but not with her touch. She made me take her to a place that was safe, so I took her to a hotel in Vegas. And when we got to the room at the hotel, we had sexual intercourse. I didn't want to have sex, I had tried to stop her, but she overpowered me with her sorcery, which was like a drug, I couldn't control what I was doing, and I am ashamed of what happened. My sister suspects what had happened and I know Coulson and May suspects about what had happened in that room, but my sister just tells me that it wasn't my fault, that I had no control over what she did, or made me do, but I still feel guilty.

I still remember when my younger brother called me in the middle of the night hysterical, saying that I needed to get back home but wouldn't tell me why. When I got there, my brother was in my sisters' room and my sister was sobbing uncontrollably. I could barely understand what she was saying, but with the way she held herself, the why she flinched at our touch, I could guess reasonably close as to what had happened. I had ushered my brother out of the room and had him pack his bags, while I stayed with my sister and packed her bags. I got them out to the car that I had borrowed from school, I got their bags and themselves and got them into the car, not once looking back towards the house, and not once realizing that the house was on fire. My younger siblings quickly fell asleep in the backseat and by the time we for back to the school it was early morning, the sun just off of the horizon. I quickly took my siblings to the school infirmary, where about an hour later the nurse came out with a grim look on her face and ushered myself to a bed. At first, I didn't know why, but soon I did. She wanted to do a complete and thorough physical because of the results with my siblings' physicals. I remember barely answering the questions that was asked, just that I gave brief, concise answers that had the nurses holding back tears. The nurse, when everything was over, gave me a sedative so that I could sleep. When I woke up, the cops were there, but it wasn't to investigate what had happened to my sister, but apparently the fire that had happened at the house. I was lucky for the most part that the school tried hard to keep me out of juvey for as long as possible, but mostly for the help that my siblings received with what had happened. Eventually, the school's commandant managed to get detectives to the school to start an investigation into my sister's abuse. I know that she told the detective what had happened to her, and soon my parents and brother were trying to cover up what happened, of course, that's exactly what did happen, but at least my younger siblings were out of my parents' custody and my brother's reach, the school made sure of that. She didn't tell me what had happened to her, but I did see the aftermath of what he did. I witnessed the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the panic attacks. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to help my sister. But my sister started seeing a therapist, and she decided then that she wanted to be a psychologist, to help people who had trauma in their own lives. I never really understood the emotions that she went through, that's probably why I could never really help her through that time of her life.

But now, she is trying to help me through wat happened to me, but I'm not sure if I'm able to open up to her about what happened. It's not that I don't trust her, it's that I don't like talking about my feelings, and I just want to forget about it. But I know that both of my siblings would be telling me that trying to forget about it won't actually help me, but by talking about it, confronting it would help. Maybe that's why I am writing about it. Perhaps, putting it down once on paper will help. I know what Lorilei did to me was in no way my fault, that I couldn't control my actions, couldn't say no. Lorilei sexually assaulted me, she used her power as a drug to control everything that I did. She made me lose control of myself, took away my decisions. I shouldn't be ashamed of what she did, but I am. Possibly, one day I will stop feeling this way, but for now, as I stay awake in the darkness of the evening, with the nightmares that I keep having filling up in my mind, thinking of what could have happened, I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed and humiliated, that I should have fought harder, that I should have done something different. Part of me thinks that what Lorilei did to me was my fault, that I should have done something more to stop her. That everything else that happened was also my fault, that if I had been stronger, Lorilei wouldn't have gotten on the plane put all of us in danger. But I know that it will take time to let the guilt diminish, to stop feeling ashamed, but hopefully one day, my thoughts and feelings will change but until then, I will just have to compartmentalize everything and keep moving forward. As for now, I will end this and start on my morning workout.


End file.
